Lavellansfancycoat's Cyberpunk Shit-show

Okay! So at the exact moment I can't do a full fledged response but if you like I can do one later with like, pulling lines and stuff. What I noticed overall though - you have the thing about worldbuilding that I love, "chromey" and "meatspace" and all the slang-type words that made it feel realistic and not overly out of place. However, this is kinda thrown off (or was for me) by how verbose you are. It's not bad to write with all the lovely words that you're writing with, and it certainly does the job painting a picture vividly, but the same effect can be achieved through simpler words or the like. I found my eyes skipping a sentence here and there because it was just too much information and I wanted the scene to progress. This got better later on when the focus of the scene switched to dialogue, and I (personally) think that better suits the nature of your characters, who are presumably used to this sci-fi environment and don't need oodles of description. There's definitely a time and place for how wonderfully you can describe things, but I think that time is for when your characters are faced with the unknown and not something that's more everyday. Like how we look at electric lights like 'oh, that's a light', but someone from a thousand years ago would be amazed and might have significantly more to say on the matter.

Also - you were worried more about your characterisation, and I see what you mean by plot devices versus people, and that's definitely a good thing to look for! but aside from what I assume is a set up for 'let's get Susan prosthesis', I liked both of your characters. There was a thing about Susan in particular that I personally think really helped make her a person versus a plot device, and it's that you mentioned she usually has a wry smile on. It gives her a facet of personality that really I think helps; it gives me the impression that perhaps she's a more sarcastic-leaning person as opposed to a ray of pure sunshine and happiness. I could be wrong! But that's the impression I got from her based on that alone. I'd like to know more about Tommy as a person too - you mentioned something about his little slice of London, and I want to know more about what his life in "meatspace" was like, or is like, or etcetera.

I can go back in later, and pull more stuff if you like and be really obnoxiously nitpicky, as I do, but overall I really did like it and I'm very intrigued to see what happens next.

First of all thanks for the advice bud(s), it's really great to hear that people like the world building and are interested in where the narrative is headed. Also I think some of the overly descriptive parts are due mostly to me getting to know the setting for myself as I write mixed in with my own pretentious ass way of speaking so I'll try and curb that in future. Also always glad to extend my library so I'll be sure to check out a collection with that story. Finally it'd  be cool if you (Alynshirslover) could get "obnoxiously nitpicky" at some point so I can see where I dun fucked up but honestly that's a lot of effort so I shan't insist .